‘What is one of your future dreams?’

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To experience a world where I understand the true meaning of happiness and love.

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On the exterior I come off as a confident, positive person. I make it a point to always present myself in the best light. Appropriately dressed, hair and face clean and put together nicely. Shower, brush teeth, all the things that a normal functional human should do.

Yet, behind the scenes it’s a completely different story.

Anyone who tells you they have their shit together is a bold faced liar. Everyone struggles because this society and culture clearly dictate that we all must struggle.

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For the sins of our ancestors, we must pay the price.

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Even for those of us who have lost everything from the moment we took our first breath, we are still held accountable.

What if I told you that I constantly fight with feelings of self worth. How about the little voice in the back of my head that tells me I’m still ugly and overweight, after losing 228 pounds. Maybe the fact that I struggle to make friends because by the time I was 25, I witnessed the majority of my close friends and the man I loved die – and there was nothing I could do.

Every man and woman who claimed to ‘love and care about me’ had turned on me, using my past and sexuality against me.

Would you believe me?

Don’t worry, the Doctors didn’t either…

Until after I spent 16 hours completely catatonic in an Emergency Room bleeding into my brain after suffering a stress induced heart attack and stroke at 37 years old.

They treated me like I was a drug overdose and just let me lay there…

They didn’t even care if I lived or died.

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At 40 years old, I am still dreaming like a little girl because I have known nothing but loneliness , pain, hate and defeat.

Yet I still dream that one day… somehow… someway…

I will be lucky enough to experience peace, happiness and be able to trust that I will be loved and cared for.

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