You have to be uncomfortable in order to really grow.
I am a firm believer that in order to really grow, one must be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable circumstances, uncomfortable situations – think about taking a test in school. Dont lie, we were all uncomfortable on some level. You learned though. That being said, lets keep going.
The year is now 2021. It has been exactly one year from my accident. I am not yet capable of working, despite my best efforts to restore my cognitive abilities. I had hit a roadblock and had fallen just short of the testing threshold.
I had to move yet again because my financial situation did not afford the rent on the house. So, the kids and I moved into the KC place, with their father. Otherwise known as my ex husband. I had no furniture, only air mattresses for the kids. The girls piled in one room and the boys in the other. Four people in a technically 1.5 bedroom apartment is stressful to begin with. Lets just top it all off with an ex-husband and you’re two kids. The communication with my brother was still pretty consistent as I had no one else close to talk to. I longed for that closeness again.
Enter the ‘Facetime Date from Hell’. I am going to cut in on this one because… we will cover this in a seperate post. I have some very direct and open feelings that need to come out. No better time than the anniversary of it all.
After wasting nearly a year on an individual who is incapable of healing or rectifying anything he has done. I was so fed up. That was the last time he was going to send me to the hospital. That was the last threat. I drove to the safest place I could think of, and I called my brother.
Enough was enough. That evening, April 8, 2022 – I loaded the little blueberry Kia and drove. Where was the destination… Arizona. Why? Because when I had nothing else, I had Blood. It wasn’t even a question. I drove for 3 days straight.
I arrived in Phoenix on April 11, 2022. The minute MLS and I met, it was an unspoken bond. It was the first time in my life that a pure realization popped into my head as I stepped into the Arizona sun for the first time in this new chapter. Not only was I safe, but after a lifetime of being disturbingly uncomfortable – There was comfort here.
To this day I live in Arizona. Although, I have kept tabs on my mother and I know where she is. To this day I do not know why she left me. I do know that she has left a destructive path of genetically passed Mental Health Issues. I do know that despite my best efforts to collect relevant information regarding medical history – I have been unsuccessful.
However, I do carry her genes directly.
With this new genetic data, and my own medical records I redirected my search into answering the long overdue question.
‘What is wrong with me? Why do I always feel this way?’
Armed with this new information I called my Psychologist and we went to town. At this time I had already completed my Certified Coaching License and taken advanced cognitive therapy classes in order to further my business abilities and perform meaningful self care to heal myself from the most recent brutality at the hands of another.
ADHD with RSD.
English Please..
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder with Rejection Separation Dysphoria.
BIG SCARY WORDS WITH LOTS OF LETTERS!!!!
What does this mean…
If you don’t know what ADHD is by this time in society.. then you must have missed Covid, and the Reactor meltdown.
Rejection Seperation Dysphoria is defined as “…when you experience severe emotional pain because of a failure or feeling rejected. This condition is linked to ADHD…” – Cleveland Clinic, 2022.
Throughout this story I have intentionally stopped at points to interlude my mental state and emotions. RSD looks like:
1. An intense emotional sensitivity to criticism or rejection whether actual or perceived.
2. Seeing neutral or vague reactions as rejection or silent criticism.
3. Difficulty starting tasks, projects, or goals when there is a chance of failure.
4. Experiencing severe anxiety, avoidance, or big emotions before an anticipated rejection.
5. Rejection triggers huge feelings of depression, rage, anger or severe anxiety.
6. Inability to regulate emotional responses to feelings of failure and rejections.
7. Ofter seeks to be a people pleaser to avoid being criticised.
8. Fear of rejection negatively affects life and relationships.
Let me be the first to tell you that although RSD isn’t yet viewed as an official disorder – its a massive pain in the ass to deal with. No medications work, nothing makes the highs and lows feel any better. You never ‘get used’ to the pain because each time it cuts a little deeper and a little differently. Most people won’t go through the effort to find out because they are stuck as I once was. In the proverbial groundhogs day of ‘just trying anything to make the pain go away’. Want to know the reason behind it?
RSD has been suspected to be linked to differences in brain structure. Such as those individuals with ADHD.
Following my diagnosis, I decided that it is best to chalk my biological mother up to a single thought. I know she suffers from Mental Health issues because, both of the children and the grandchildren spawned from those children are diagnosed with ADHD. There are some things that just can’t be denied no matter what. I fully believe that she suffers from severe RSD, and she is physically incapable of recalling the children she abandoned.
There is nothing more I can do to help someone that is incapable of accepting the help.
The End.
🚢💋SEDONA SUNSETS💋🏴☠️ 