How does competition make you feel? Do you believe you must be competitive or empowered to win?

Competition arises agitation and aggressive emotions in me.

I really don’t enjoy pitting my skills against others. I never have. I have dealt with anxiety my entire life. I have always felt like I was second best. Not once in my life have I felt like the gold winner, or been the number one draft pick.

You see, instead of worrying about my public image— as clearly stated by the purple Doc Martins sported to match my lavender oversized T-Shirt— I would spend the entirely of the game worrying about if I was playing well enough. Judging myself against the skills of the other girls. You can see the seriousness in which I dedicated to my sports. I was a bigger build girl. I didn’t have the endurance or stamina for long distance running. I excelled at short distances— but my physical strength was my talent.

My power is in my upper and lower body however, my core is a soft spot. I can lift a washing machine, but ask me to run down the block and I will be breathing fire by the end. Physical competition does absolutely nothing but make me hurt. Although I am naturally powerful, I lack the ability to lift weights or have a proper gym sesh. Physically I am agile— but I am not athletic.

Mentally, I’m just short of a train wreck. The one thing that I despise about myself more than the gross looking skin on my body from years of mistreatment, is my inconsistency in confidence. Take a look closer— I was the only one taking myself seriously. I actually cared.

It wasn’t until I had nothing left that I absolutely had to confront my aggressively competitive nature— that I learned a valuable life lesson.

I am absolutely one of the kindest people you will meet. Hands down. I always have been— but because of my sudo-shy personality and allergy to bullshit— most people do not get to see the positive kindness within me.

I have been put through the shit of most peoples nightmares. I have been used, abused and manipulated to fit someone else’s agenda for the entirety of my time in this existence. I was 39 years old when I finally ‘woke up’.

I had involuntary created a competition out of kindness and compassion. I was empowering the ones I cared for — to continue manipulating and abusing me. For the last 39 years, I have empowered others with my kindness and I was physically dying to be a winner. I was too proud to let my needs get in the way.

I had allowed myself to become fully co-dependent on the Men in my life. I believed that one day my Prince Charming would come in to save this ugly duckling and see through all the layers and labels. I had given away all my power, and submitted willfully to the verbal assaults and intimidation. I drove myself to absolute rock bottom. I was so broken— lost 192 pounds in 16 months.

There were days I would ‘forget’ to eat. I couldn’t admit to the truth that there wasn’t enough food to feed myself and both of the kids— yet I knew I was intentionally emaciating myself. We lived through the winter with no hot water, or heat —The gas company wouldn’t accept my credit. I was working 55 hours a week from home. I couldn’t afford a vehicle let alone the insurance— I was barely making my half of the rent.

I am a wartime military veteran but because of my service status as a National Guardsman for the first two years of my service— the VA refused me service. I wasn’t entitled to the status of Veteran because I wasn’t full time— full career active duty.

My time in the military was just as jaded. Living in a world of constant competition. Taking college level tests based on material I had to study. I am no academic. The only list I ever got put at the top of was hottest female. At one point there was a $1500 betting pool for the first male in the squadron to sleep with me.

I’d take a smoke break from the kitchen only to be asked what color my nipples were and if the carpet matched the drapes. Then came the children. Not only was I ‘the catch’, but my children look like purebred baby dolls. I produced pretty babies with my colors and features. By the end of my career I would wear two layers of undergarments to mask the curvatures of my body and I was cutting my hair short.

I craved being validated for my skill set as a Chef and Kitchen Manager. Instead I was dodging the constant barrage of staring eyes and sweaty palms. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and disgusting.

Still to this day I want to scream every time I am thanked for my service. I don’t deserve any kindness for the atrocities I was ordered to do but, I’m so glad I could provide a living pin up for your sons to treat so inhumanly. You shouldn’t thank for these things.

Stay with me, I’m getting to the point… promise.

It wasn’t until I found the strength inside of myself after 39 years to pick my shit up and try to stand on my own two feet. Without the whimsy of a moment to think, I picked up the phone and did the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I called for help.

I was so accustomed to putting myself aside, I would rather sleep in my car than ask for a couch. I had given up as I thought of myself as nothing more than an inconvenience. As if the very air I took in a breath was too expensive for my budget. I was ready to die, cold and alone.

The competition had broken me. In part because of the years of fighting threats. But more so because I neglected myself trying to compete with the world around me. I could no longer see any kindness or hope for myself. Trying to compete in a competition that I was not built for was causing me to place last.

But what truly brings me here today, is something that our culture has been talking a lot about over the past couple of years.

Empowerment.

I believe that competition is a direct result of the need to empower oneself. It’s absolutely not a new topic— but oftentimes it is spoken of only in a general sense. To ‘empower’ and to ‘inspire’ are two different things— and two different verbs.

Empowerment is the vehicle that delivers the inspiration to do something. It is NOT the source of motivation. Empowerment is defined as “measures that increase the degree of autonomy and self-determination in people and in communities in order to enable them to represent their interests in a responsible and self-determined way, acting on their own authority.” Thanks Oxford Languages.

When you quest to inspire someone, that individual already possesses the resources needed to do the damn thing.

Questing to empower means the collective building of a bridge to extend the necessary resources — bridging the gap.

As human beings, we are programmed to empower collectively through mutual support, empathy and kindness.

I believe that kindness is more important than any competition. Empowerment is rooted in kindness.

When you extend kindness to another individual, you both allow them to claim their own power and dignity, and you insist upon your own.

Kindness is the competition of empowering each other to be successful. One of the hardest things to do, is be kind to yourself. It takes a lot of strength, confidence and compassion to be kind. Especially after the world has chewed you up and spit you out for misunderstanding the game.

You don’t need to be competitive to win. You need to be kind.

Kindness comes in all forms.

Of course we all know that acts of kindness can make the world a happier place. Kindness boosts feelings of confidence, happiness, optimism and sense of control— but kindness can become toxic when making others comfortable becomes a priority and boundaries get faded. This mindset results in trying to keep your relationships conflict-free and to achieve that overly-kind people will let their boundaries get stepped over to keep it peaceful.

Kindness is not weakness— that misconception— just as many others that are social plagues— were created in times when there needed to be a folly for those omitted from social standing. It was the weakness that only large stockholders and those with deep pockets were immune to. Unfortunately, it’s become so toxic that nowadays it is nearly absent in society. Instead of praising everyone for being brave enough to make their own decisions and be kind to themselves, we are punished and set aside.

There is no better example than the current status of dating. Individuals putting their pictures up like a damned cattle auction hoping for the kindness of another to place a bid. Then, we all just run around dating them till we hate them— because as a society we are sick with an incurable lack of self-kindness and communal empowerment.

Life is a competition, but it’s not about pitting yourself against others— or relying on soft skills to hide from conflict— it’s a competition of kindness.

Thats all for today, Luna girl and I must get our nails did. She’s been complaining about hers for days. Poor puppy! -🍋💋