Y’all….

I cannot believe I allowed myself to think that common courtesy was a thing— or maybe it’s my unreasonably high expectations for humans again. I don’t know.

Frankly, I am incapable of caring— anymore.

It’s currently 2:25am, and I’m wide awake. Again. Laying here questioning my self value because I cannot get over myself. I’m chasing my tail again.

You see, I go through this because there is no living soul beside myself that can seem to satisfy my requirements for me. In other words, I can only generate happiness from within.

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I do not understand why time after time I allow myself to treat me like shit. I sacrifice, devote and love fully for those I care about. I am programmed to give a shit about those around me. What I wasn’t programmed to do is anything more than I’m capable of.

I am a rather boring person. I don’t like people or going to the clubs. Here are my ‘excuses…

I’m not 25 nor comfortable to put myself in a situation where I am uncomfortable.

To be completely honest, I never was one for the clubs. I’ve always found it very hard to hear, and focus on anything but the threat of violence in one of those places.

The biggest of all— from the time I was 15 until 37 I struggled with alcoholism and addictions. I thought I was good at hiding it, but I wasn’t. I was so busy disrespecting myself that I married and had children with a man who— to this day— still lives in that world. The drinking until 4 in the morning and then passing out. Waking up feeling so terrible, begging the dear lord to just let you puke. Being constantly embarrassed because you were the jackass laughing stock of the night before, but you can’t remember. Desperately paying for bail, breathalyzer removals, all the way to crushing crack at 80mph in the back of a semi truck for someone else.

I left myself so vulnerable to other that it has cost me absolutely everything.

But— and I firmly believe this a deep seeded root of my inner child’s fears— I ALWAYS let someone know when I was in a safe location and made the effort to always have enough self respect— and respect for my partner to not make them feel invisible. It’s absolutely respectable to not be out shutting that bitch down.

I’m sure I’m not the only person here who can say, I allow people to hurt me. I grant them the permission to absolutely gut me the minute I start believing they care about me—- The way I care about me.

I believe in freedom, equality, communication, compassion and respect. These are the values I attribute to loving someone. When I decide to give my heart to you, I am showing you myself in my absolute most vulnerable state. I am putting aside myself, and my priorities and reworking them for us.

I’m not turning on every faucet to see if there is a leak, and subsequently flooding the house.

Nerd fact—When water freezes it expands.

Water is a fickle element with great power. Over time a small stream has the power to dissolve mountains and carve the very valleys humans inhabit and marvel.

Bathing your children is considered an act of love and caring. Draping a cloth bag over their head and restraining them to a board, then forcible pouring water over their face inhibiting their ability to breath is considered water boarding.

In my home, there is no difference between the element of water and the element of doubt. I sure as fuck ain’t tryin to leave the faucet on and running to clean the living room carpets, sweetheart.

I am not going to strap you down and force you emotionally to the point your nearly drowning. That is emotional abuse.

The same rings true for ourselves. I am not putting myself in situations that cause doubt and anxiety for my partner. I especially am not trying to insert any doubt or risk of being accused of cheating. Shady ass can cost you not only your relationship, but your life.

I am learning to stop assaulting myself because of the things that I have allowed to happen to me.

Healing is hard. Healing alone is harder, but trying to heal with your head being held underwater… is impossible.-🍋💋