I cannot express how difficult it is to write at the current moment. For the last week, I have been completely blank. Numb to anything outside of my personal pain and depression.

Unfortunately these episodes render me unable to process my thoughts, let alone communicate them. Once the manic subsides the explaining and praying begins. This has been my life cycle.

For the last 7 years, I have attended therapy. I have absolutely zero shame in admitting that I require the assistance of a trained professional to help me adult. I’ve been impacted so positively that I became a life coach. Yet, I still suffer from a lifetime of insecurities and unseen damage.

To complicate matters, I also deal with memory loss and difficulty from a Traumatic Brain Injury in 2020. Healthy 37 year old people don’t go catatonic for 16 hours naturally…

So- most of the time these episodes happen… and I can’t even pinpoint exactly what is wrong. The memory that is triggering my fucking PTSD again is hidden in the dark times. All I know is that I cannot stop the burning lava of emotions that sears the tender flesh of my throat and eyes. Each individual tear flowing away an ounce of strength until I lay broken. My big self lie is that I am unwanted and unloveable.

My inner child cry’s to be loved, my teenage self cry’s to be included and my adult self is beyond fatigued for peace and understanding. There is no medicine or miracle cure for restoring memories. Hell, I’ve been plugged into machines, damaged my optical nerve, had granmaul seizures in public, experienced a cardiac episode and hallucinated from medications and lost 192lbs in 14 months while developing cancer from the variety of medications. Yet, there isn’t a Neurological Team that has been able to tell me what is wrong. Psychologist had me pinned in less than two weeks.

I have broad spectrum PTSD. There is no classification or medication for someone like me. The only way I can be healed is through time and fate.

I apologize for the gaps in the postings. I am slowly getting back to functioning, but there are still a lot of internal thoughts that need processed…. And I’m not really ready to publicly share.