I don’t know if this writing thing is for me…

I thought I had a sense of humor, and I was good at explaining through my story telling. Apparently, I am just higher than the sky and not hiding it well at all.

I am a person that has spent 40 years embarrassed of my emotions. I do not understand most social queues or how I am to react to them. I internally freak the fuck out resulting in awkward and uncomfortable clingy-ness.

I hate it. I want to be able to be social and have friends. Nothing is worse than the constant feeling of being left out. Yet, I am incapable of participating because I’m too much.

My mother was a toxic force for me. As a child she would often silence my voice, or prepare others for my arrival based on her opinions at the moment in time. Mom was ruthless towards me.

Now I am a 40 year old woman, and I get embarrassed at a compliment and I do not understand society.

Society is heavily reliant on social norms and support systems. Especially in “Girl World”.

For someone who is naturally calm in nature and does not deal with conflict or drama well, the unadulterated vicious competitive nature of “Girl World” is toxic.

My support system was the cherished moments I would get to spend with my Father. Mostly on the weekends, when he’d take me to soccer. It was the only time I was allowed to be me. I’d focus on the game and not the constant feeling of “you’re not good enough” I constantly felt at home.

I have been admittedly absent because I am living in a world of self doubt. I once again do not feel good enough.

The only support system present in my life violated my expectations and boundaries. Of course, I didn’t communicate the line verbally. I expected that they were known, especially by the person that has known my entire life.

I am at fault for not communicating. I am also at fault for lashing out in emotion. I cannot help feel lost in wondering— Am I also at fault for being deeply hurt because I expected my family to consider my feelings in the death of the familial patriarchy?

I was excluded from my social life and place of employment at the same time, for speaking out with emotion. I’m not big on letting others get hurt on my watch. It had nothing to do with my skills, performance or abilities.

Do I also deserve to be abandoned by my family because I felt something?

Not a word of empathy or apology has come. Instead just jagged reminders of the pain sent via text from the most toxic source in my world.

Healing is hard, but it breaks souls when it has to be done alone. -🍋💋