Fair Warning. This is going to be a wordy one.

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I am purely speaking from my opinion alone- noone from either one of my two families even knows I’m sitting here typing this out right now.

To be very frank, there have been a number of things conflicting with my soul lately. I have spoken very few words about it all. Of course this is just a standard case of me trying to keep my mouth shut in order to keep the peace.

But… im done.

I am exhausted of what other peoples expectations for me are. I am tired of being called resilient. I’m over being judged by another’s rules. I am so fucking tired of being told through others words and actions that nothing about me matters.

If it did, it wouldn’t be 3 months and not even a text after a major death in the family. It wouldn’t be my name in rooms where poisons been spilled by soured tounges. It wouldn’t be hiding the fact that family soil is to be sold… when it was meant to keep the future generations of family supported.

No. I have consciously not left the confines of my house for more than a movie or food in nearly 4 months. I’ve been in such a state of depression I have to force feed myself most days.

I have two families. TWO. I am not divided between y’all… and IM THE ADOPTED ONE.

I am the KLEINER that spent the 17 years I was away, serving our country. Yet I wasn’t included when a major force in all our lives passed away— I was the one told to make peace with it in my own way because a funeral is not a place for a family reunion. It’s now been 4 months since I’ve heard from anyone but Mom. I wasn’t the one putting up road blocks. I choose to stay away now because y’all can’t figure out why I feel your toxic? Give me a fucking break.

I am the SCHAAD that wasn’t give a chance from birth. Stripped away from any chance at knowing my actual story by a woman who spent the rest of her life telling whatever story she thought sounded best. We won’t mention that she had already dropped my two older sisters off on their father, and my brother went to the family farm. He had a chance to make memories.

Now, there is talk of selling it. What the actual fuck? I get that it’s a lot to take care of, but has it ever registered that there are many branches to this tree and some of us have been waiting our whole lives for what was suppose to be our blood right from birth?

What the actual fuck is going on in the Pacific Northwest to make you all act like pretentious self-centered asshat?

I know folks that support their family through the hell of a federal prison sentance and welcome them back with loving arms. Yet, it’s been nearly 41 years and y’all still fail to realize my biggest red flag is that I care too hard for those I love.

The last time I checked. Family was about love and support… not leave each other out to the wolves.

Call my tone demeaning, yet ask yourself how you’ve spoken to others. Say I’m too emotional again, or are you afraid that you’ll be exposed for the game. Proclaim that I am argumentative and confrontational— how would you feel in these shoes?

Fuckin’ sucks when the mirror becomes the child you raised. Doesn’t it.

If there is one piece of wisdom I’d wish to bless you all with, it is simply this.

The truth, no matter how hard to try to hide it will always come to the surface.

I honestly more disappointed in y’all for acting like liberal upper class white trash, and pissed at myself for allowing 40 years of your bullshit to destroy me.