List your top 5 grocery store items.

ANXIETY

Have you ever been in the dog food/diaper section of Walmart when you realize you forgot to check your account before filling your buggy? Yeah- me too. Of course, my anxiety kicks up right when there is zero cell service.

Sure, Walmart offers free wi-fi access to its customers. I’m really kosher with hanging all my financial login information out for all of my Walmart Corporate besties. Hell, I already cashier for them.

ANNOYED

For those who have never been, I’m going to explain “The American Walmart Experience”. First, you’re going to fight traffic to turn left into the parking lot. Why left? Well conjecture assumes it’s because they like to build as many obstacles as low as possible to the ground so you can attempt to rip every strip of undercarriage on you attempt to cross three lanes of high speed traffic and inevitably end up hitting it.

Should you successfully complete this task, you should now be in the parking lot. Here you will pretend that you are a veteran of the AARP NASCAR roll out team as you lap the parking rows- for a minimum of 10 minutes. You will end up parking at the fourteenth to last spot to walk to the door.

By the time you make the door, you’re riddled with ANXIETY from dodging traffic. You then proceed to:

BUY ALL THE SHIT I DON’T NEED.

That’s right, you heard it here. I’m notorious for walking the the isles in meal planning in my head, which doesn’t always translate to what’s on the plate. So I end up with all of this shit that I really don’t need in my cabinets and my pantry because at one point in time I had a plan for it. Then I had ANXIETY and forgot what exactly the hell I was thinking about.

BUTTER

Real butter. Period. ALWAYS. You’ve probably not met me personally, but I’m pretty good at food. I mean it’s kind of my thing.

I am not sorry, but if it ain’t in paper it ain’t real. I fail to see how eating imitation butter is healthier for you with the amount of oils and fats that it provides than regular butter. Plus butter just taste better.

EXHAUSTION

I once clocked 8 miles in one day of Walmarting. That’s the product of every major holiday being on opposite side of the stores. So picture this, you’ve already hopscotched your way across the squid games parking lot. You’ve now entered the thunderdome. Now comes the mental challenge of dodging idiots while not playing metal bumper buggies.

The general public of Walmart does not pay attention to where they are in the aisle. Sally Jane will be in the bakery section, blocking your only viable exit because she can’t decide between Crème Horns or last weeks clearance mold and cheese danishes.

My personal favorite Walmart space out is conspiring how exactly they talked the front corridor businesses into being the car buffer zone. Those eye doctors must have hella liability insurance.

Finally, you’ve come to the self-checkout. You get to stand in a line that is usually half the store long- and they have the event barrier belts now, so you’re trapped in a cattle shoot next to the boxed Christmas chocolates.

Nicely played Walmart.

45 minutes later, you get to check yourself out on one of 8 slowest self check machines. Your blue vest with either be a middle aged woman with serious Karen vibes or some 20 year old who couldn’t fucking care. Either way, the group on the corner register is shoplifting something. Maybe if you were actually being paid you would say something. Instead, I’m more worried about keeping my 98% QBR as a Walmart volunteer. You still have one hurdle to cross…

The receipt checker. This employee either cares about scanning your cart and receipt or will continue talking to the greeting person. You’ve got a 50/50 split. Passing this, your adrenaline starts to fade as you take the 4 mile hike back to you car and somehow find the will to pack it all in. You sit down in the car and take a deep fucking breath completely exhausted.

How about you?