Are there any activities or hobbies you’ve outgrown or lost interest in over time?

Absolutely.💯

Bare bones about it, outside of being intentionally petty, reality tv, a solid dark murder mystery and 90s R&B music, I’ve admittedly made an unconscious effort to lose interest in all of them.

Welcome to the mind that other people made. It’s riddled with emotional and disability diagnoses.

I’ve spent 41 years listening to everyone else tell me what is wrong with me. Fucking let the kid be.

Why am I no longer interested is the actual question that should be asked.

Because everything I have even known has been introduced to someone who abused me. Why would I want to waste time continuing to invest myself in further manipulation and gaslighting.

My fucking PTSD triggers are bad enough. Jesus be an inflatable pool floaty if I ain’t wide awake and writing at 12:37am because I ate McDonalds today and it threw me into a full on panic attack that ended in a personal earthquake.

What the fuck do you even say to your partner when the world starts ringing, your vision becomes the focus of your memories eyes and all you can feel is sweat pouring from every possible outlet underneath your clothes to the foul smell of extremely negative stress?

“I think I might be in trouble” is all I could get out- this time. Last time it was Jan 4, 2020 and I was telling my 8 year old son to call 911 before spending 16 hours catatonic on an Emergency Room table.

Then comes the unrelenting waves of nausea as your laying with your pants around your ankles, half naked seizing the slime trail that used to be your legs over the sill of the tub.

As if that wasn’t enough, try finding the muscle strength and control to finish taking your pants and socks off while dealing with pretty intense shocks of inner body seizures.

In the 25 minutes this took, I’m pretty sure I was passed out at the bottom of the tub for a total of 6 of those minutes.

At the end, it always takes the last bit of physical effort I have to sit in the bottom of the shower to rinse the horrendous stink off of me.

Then comes the passing out part that is unavoidable which ultimately leads to blog posts at 12:49 in the morning.

Yay for feeling embarrassed, broken, uninterested. I really need to go back to bed now.

I cannot express how overly excited I am to be filled with the burning soreness of muscles I didn’t know I had and the most epic migraine that I never knew I needed on a Friday.

Before you ask, go back through my posts. You can read all about how I have yet to find a doctor who can help me. It gets really old trying to get volumes of collodion out of your hair.

The American Health System, Fuck Yeah?

P.S. The pictures had pretty colors when I posted this. Plus I’m high, so yeah… there’s that.😂❤️