Good Morning, happy Friday! It’s been a couple of days of the sidebar writing, and I must say I am somewhat enjoying it.

I talk to myself all day long. It turns out to be more socially acceptable if it looks like I’m rage texting someone instead of muttering under my breath.

That being said, let’s get into today rambling courtesy of the sound of light snoring and the backlight of an iPhone as I type black words on a super bright white screen. (Would be cool to have an option for light sensitivity, just sayin’.)

Friday began just like any other. I know I’m not the only one, but I am always pissed the fuck off when I wake up.

I do not want to be awake. Being awake means holding the obligation of keeping all the “things” quiet in an act of respect to the other “things” that are sleeping. In my case, it would be two adult human males and an extremely confused flerkin. (Otherwise known as my bf, his grown son, our dog and 1 Angel fish)

So how many of you just questioned the fish part? 🤣😂 It’s true. I had alot of spare time of my hands and access to all season of ‘Secrets of the Zoo’. My female predatory fish are all hand trained to target for food. The living room tank is home to 50 gallon living sushimi display. Although I lost my male Halfmoon Beta about a month back (RIP Milo), his mate Spinderella has adopted our Chinese Algae Eater (Roomba) as her new bf. However, the Angelfish (Left Eye) and Roomba have been together for almost a year now.

The bit about it all is, the rest of the 11 fish in the tank can swim freely until the sun gets tuned on and the big bully Left Eye wakes for her morning feeding. The collective pass a town ordinance to allow her to reside under the plastic banana leave. That’s her corner of the HOA.

Luna on the other hand- she’s just got a common case of Dog Math. Not familiar? I got you, see dog math is the canine equivalent of core curriculum. It’s designed in a way that also makes zero sense when attempting to show your work on paper.

If the alarm goes off at 6:15pm, that means it’s really 8:15am tomorrow and you’re two days late for three meals and a peanut butter filled bone. Anything else is unacceptable.

I really should have petitioned to name this bitch Anxiety. After seeing a commercial for the adoption center at Halo yesterday afternoon, I looked at the floor and told her I would return her because she is not what the commercial said we’d get. She just looked at me with those big brown “fuck you” eyes and proceeded to attack me for my weed pen.

Fucking dog math man. She thinks she cute enough to get away with the shit, and I’m so trained that she usually does. Except today. It’s now 6:20 and I am hiding under the blanket on the floor doing yoga stretches. It’s only a matter of time now before she notices I’m actually awake.

But, to the whole point that I want to write this blog in the first place. One of the first things I do when I wake up is I check the notifications on my phone. This usually isn’t super triggering, unless I end up having comments come in from content that has been posted overnight.

TikTok is by far the most brutal of the bunch. Yesterday I had some rando leave me a comment on a now removed video, telling me to ‘Shut up. No one wants to hear what I have to say.’ There were a few other misspelled description words that were probably meant to hurt me, but honestly their spelling was so atrocious I couldn’t get over laughing at the ignorance of it all. It took everything inside of me not to reply with, ‘seeing as you’re the only person is 382 views that felt the need to comment, apparently you cared.’ Instead, I just pulled down the 30 second video and moved on with my life.

Or so I thought….

This is where we come to my mental health issues featured in this mornings daily post.

Full disclosure, I was intentionally being vague as fuck when it comes to my migraines and seizure disorders. In this mornings post I didn’t feel it necessary to go into informational details regarding the customized internal Richter scale I adopted in 2020. I am writing this now because a beautiful soul, here in our blogging community reached out to me with information and concern.

I absolutely adore when fellow bloggers reach out with honest intention. Yall have actually helped with various things a lot. But today I want to address this comment and my situation a more than the comment section with allow.

It’s possible for an adult without a history of epilepsy or migraines to experience a seizure or migraine episode. Potential causes include central nervous system infections, brain tumors, stroke, and brain injuries. The use or stopping of certain substances, including alcohol, may also trigger an episode. The type of episode depends on the cause.

Let’s start here, before running right to the multiple diagnostic damages I have collected.

Digressing to the daily post. I mentioned that I get migraines. I appreciate the outpouring of information, so let me give you what I know in digital format.

My migraines are a really nasty symptom of the after affects associated with a fall I took a couple years back. To be completely honest, it’s taken nearly 4 years since the premier episode. So let’s rewind time.

I do not remember anything they did to me at the hospital. When the ambulance brought me in, I was already catatonic. The last thing I can actively remember from that night is the headlights of my recent ex-boyfriends crossovers passenger side headlight through the back of the ambulance window, the lights inside the ambulance were on and one of the two male EMTs was calling my case into Cabell Huntington Hospital while the other was trying to find my veins for a PIC line. That was 20 minutes in, the other 15 hours and 40 minutes are a complete blank.

During my hospital visit I have documented records of vomiting and seizure activity- hell, they had to give me scrubs in order to go home because when I woke up I was completely naked and still covered in vomit.

It took 6 weeks before I could get in to see my primary care provider. Although I probably should explain that this was not their fault. The head of the family practice department is a very busy individual. I was assigned to him specifically because of my military background, and the severity of my psychological diagnosis.

As I sat there wearing sunglasses with only three counter light dimly lit in the exam room, the pain inside my head was at least a 24 and worse if I was exposed to light. My doctor walked in, and took one glance at me. I was immediately put into concussion protocol and a week later stuffed into a CT machine.

Have any of yall had the pleasure of getting one of these done?

It’s like some super space squirrel shit. First off I had to remove ever piece of metal from my body. At the time that was 8 pieces of surgical steel ranging between my head and belly button. The nurse had to use a pair of plyers to assist in getting my belly bar out, it had been there since I was 16. Then you lay on the coldest slab of plastic known to man. The room has to be kept virtually above freezing to assist the machine to not overheat. The technician then comes over and tries to empathize her way through telling you that they are going to put this mask over your face. They strap you to the table, place the mesh magic suppression collar over your face and you slowly slide into the magnetic butthole.

I’m not one that normally has closterphobia, but… fuck that shit. This Barbie was not okay going into that box.

Once the soreness slab slowly slides to a stop, your head is in the correct place to be zapped with multiple layers of microwave technology. The sound of this machine from the inside is what I imagine the veggies that go through the processor on Sausage Party felt like.

On one hand you are super please to be there, because it may give you the answers you so badly desire. On the other hand you are now naked under that horribly tacky printed hospital gown. Strapped to a plastic morgue table that been painted white. Then slowly slid into a rather intimidating microwave capable bootyhole where, you’re treated to the Star Trek theme song played in the key Phillips Magnetic in F Minor.

They don’t turn off the lights ever. I’ve never hated someone for something that legitimately wasn’t their fault more in my life. Luckily, I was in too much pain to run my mouth so she got full compliance. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

When the CT scan was read by the radiologist two days later, it was discovered that I had bruised the ocular and right lower hippocampal structure during my fall 6 weeks earlier.

This immediately answered the question as to why my migraines were instantaneous and constant. It also explained why my seizure activity hadn’t presented until a month after my accident.

On that chilly Huntington, West Virginia morning only 4 hours after entering the imaging center across the street from the hospital, I was given an idea of what I would be dealing with for the rest of my life. What I didn’t know at the time was that I get to struggle against a few other false diagnosis and eventually to the 41 year old truth that would leave me feeling virtually invisible and like I had no identity.

This had also been the first time that my diagnosis of PTSD takes its rightful place in my medical records. Back in 2012 when I attempted to apply for my VA disability, I was advised that I wouldn’t qualify because of my National Guard status. What the Veterans Administration didn’t take into account was I was also a military spouse who was involuntarily exposed to the sexual abuse of my first husband from 19 until his official CID arrest at 22. It’s been 12 years since my last attempt but at least this time I’m going in with Kryptonic armor.

My migraines are classified as the unsourced kind, with aura. Instead of the prolonged severe pain of the most commonly experienced migraine, I suffer in 15 minutes. My brain has this superpower where it only creates a partial electrical impulse.

Remember this?

“It’s possible for an adult without a history of epilepsy or migraines to experience a seizure or migraine episode. Potential causes include central nervous system infections, brain tumors, stroke, and brain injuries. The use or stopping of certain substances, including alcohol, may also trigger an episode. The type of episode depends on the cause.”

I know it’s been a minute since the begging of the post, but this directly links into what I am going to say next. Now that you have experienced as much of the episode I am going to share today, clearly all of my migraines and seizures are due to a Traumatic Brain Injury.

Bouncing your dome off a pedestal sink because you happened to be standing up off the toilet in a half bath when your body decides to tank, is not recommended. 0/10 ⭐️.

Migraine aura usually occurs within an hour before head pain begins and generally lasts less than 60 minutes. Sometimes migraine aura occurs without headache, especially in people age 50 and older.

Most people who have migraine with aura develop temporary visual signs and symptoms, which tend to start in the center of the field of vision and spread outward. These might include:

• Blind spots (scotomas), which are sometimes outlined by simple geometric designs
• Zigzag lines that gradually float across your field of vision
• Shimmering spots or stars
• Changes in vision or vision loss
• Flashes of light

Other temporary disturbances sometimes associated with migraine aura include:

• Numbness, typically felt as tingling in one hand or on one side of your face that may spread slowly along a limb
• Speech or language difficulty
• Muscle weakness

(Source citation: Mayo Clinic)

Now let’s couple this with the clinical definition of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may start within one month of a traumatic event, but sometimes symptoms may not appear until years after the event. These symptoms cause significant problems in social or work situations and in relationships. They can also interfere with your ability to go about your normal daily tasks.

PTSD symptoms are generally grouped into four types: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, and changes in physical and emotional reactions. Symptoms can vary over time or vary from person to person.

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

• Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event
• Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)
• Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event
• Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event

Symptoms of avoidance may include:

• Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
• Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event

Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:

• Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world
• Hopelessness about the future
• Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event
• Difficulty maintaining close relationships
• Feeling detached from family and friends
• Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
• Difficulty experiencing positive emotions
• Feeling emotionally numb

Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:

• Being easily startled or frightened
• Always being on guard for danger
• Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
• Trouble sleeping
• Trouble concentrating
• Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
• Overwhelming guilt or shame

For children 6 years old and younger, signs and symptoms may also include:

• Re-enacting the traumatic event or aspects of the traumatic event through play
• Frightening dreams that may or may not include aspects of the traumatic event

(Thanks again, Mayo.)

PTSD symptoms can vary in intensity over time. You may have more PTSD symptoms when you’re stressed in general, or when you come across reminders of what you went through. For example, you may hear a car backfire and relive combat experiences. Or you may see a report on the news about a sexual assault and feel overcome by memories of your own assault.

PLEASE🚨If you have disturbing thoughts and feelings about a traumatic event for more than a month, if they’re severe, or if you feel you’re having trouble getting your life back under control, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional. Getting treatment as soon as possible can help prevent PTSD symptoms from getting worse.

If you think you may hurt yourself or attempt suicide, call 911 or your local emergency number immediately. There are also Veteran Hotline Centers and a huge Red Flag network of fellow veterans who exist solely to help our fellow brothers and sisters. It helps to have someone who can actually understand.

If you know someone who’s in danger of attempting suicide, actively threatening, speaking constantly on or has made a suicide attempt, make sure someone TRUSTWORTHY stays with that person to keep the affect individual safe. Please, I am personally begging you. When a person is actively experiencing an episode, they are no longer capable of controlling themselves and most of the time they aren’t even present in the same year or location that you may physically be in.

Call 911 or your local emergency number immediately. Or, if you can do so safely, take the person to the nearest hospital emergency room. I’d personally like to not lose another battle buddy or good friend to these demons.

Now, I’m going to take you to the third diagnosis that plays a pivot role.

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is one of the most common psychiatric disorders affecting children. Symptoms of ADHD include impaired attention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity, leading to risk-taking behavior, learning difficulties, disorganization, and difficulty completing tasks.

Lest us not forget that prior to 1979, there was no systematic research done into females on the spectrum. Behavioral health was believed to be a genetically male thing. Prior to 1979 there were very few documented cases of women with such disorders. Most women were simply committed to the Sanitarium under the false presumption that the differential in hormones and our child rearing abilities cause us ladies to lose our fucking minds. Personally, I blame the unsanctioned lobotomies and abusive electro-shock therapy for the crazed women of the 50s and 60s. Had someone just fucking loved Marilyn enough to listen, bet she wouldn’t have elected to dose herself to permanent sleep.

Nowadays, men just leave nasty comments like ‘No one wants to hear what you have to say.’ 🤣😂

Sorry boys, I’ve been a petty psycho with double ‘ahh’ sounds since 1982. Luckily, I was also born with Demand Avoidance Autism. So y’all’s attempts at putting me down by calling me crazy was amusing because it took you how long to realize the truth. I digress…

Combining just these three major disorders together on paper is enough to make anyone want to jump off a fucking bridge. Yet, here I am writing to you for the last two hours in an attempt to publish something of substance. Oh yeah, and this has been my life for the last 14,974.94 days (that’s 41 years, for those too lazy to math).

I hope this spastic mess of a post brings some clarity and provides a few more answers than the shit I post on the daily.

Please ask me questions. Most people that deal with the collection of d’s I’ve been blessed with are unable to speak openly.

To those who might be reading this that are drawing parallels with me, my doors are always open on Facebook. Come find me. Let’s be a community because we are so much stronger together as a community.

I’m going to wrap this up now. I’ve been writing for a total of 5 hours and I have a lot of other shit I need to get done. Sending virtual positive healing vibes your way. Hope your weekend is full of relaxation and peace.