Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.

I can’t…

… not because I don’t want to, but I have no idea where to actually start.

Sure, each phase in life had its ups and downs but I can’t say any of it was difficult to say goodbye to.

I’d describe the emotion within me as a mixture of fear, anger and excitement.

(Huge assumption incoming due to my recent realization that Neurotypicals do not think like me)

Unlike my Neurotypical counterparts, I have a hard block on saying goodbye. Instead, I have this thing where I base my emotions on how much I cared about the subject in the first place.

It’s really not difficult to say goodbye when you really aren’t invested.

Now, all of that being said…

… it’s completely different when the phases of your life are said goodbye to for you.

Maybe a space you found to be magnetic, or a soul you just needed to know? How about a relationship, when you thought everything was gold?

Then the blindfold was removed, and the desolate ugly truth hits your soul. Left absolutely destroyed, alone and cold- to navigate the flood of darkness now residing in your dome.

A place you’ve lived, or vacationed perhaps. Daydreaming of a little home on a patch full of naps. Snap back to reality, and it the same old day to day war zone. Wake up, work, and come home. To watch tv, and waste time staring at the phone.

“ How about an adventure?” the recruiters all boasted. You sign the papers and jet off to Texas to get started. Repurposed and programmed, a trained tactical machine. Sentenced to be unnoticed, rotting in a practice hall completely unseen.

What about when the entirety of your family disdains the very thought of your presence after you’ve served 20 years and haven’t been there?

Then the memories flood back of being involuntary excommunicated from your first born, after asking for a little help after being beaten, raped and scorned? You probably should have learned your lesson long back in 2005, when you returned to your Mother with a newborn.

Did they ever accept you? Did anyone ever actually care?

Really makes one feel like they were the last picked because they were the last one there.

I do not say goodbye, I’m forced to leave without a care. I’ve been left alone to face the trauma of ghosts no longer there. Call me rude, insensitive or whatever- I really don’t care.

I’m the only one apologizing and trying to repair the fucking tears. Yes, I remember the anger. It’s individually assigned, maybe stop being shitty and we can get along just fine.

The only reason for goodbyes is to be grateful to leave. Goodbyes lead to hellos again in a beautiful cycle we can all share. But first, someone has got to give me a good reason to trust that they genuinely care.